Boo on Me

I cannot even imagine being any more frustrated or upset or angry with myself.

I don’t want to get back on track because I’m feeling bummed out and hungry.

I need new clothes but don’t want to buy them for this extra weight I found.

The winter time always catches me depressed and craving carbohydrates.

I have a wedding coming up this summer that I have to slim down for.

Tomorrow I have to wear my bathing suit to the polar bear plunge.

I’ve been avoiding looking at my weight gain in the mirror.

I want to exercise but I am so sick of having to start over.

Every day I say it’s a fresh start, but then I see donuts.

I wish my family was a better healthy influence.

I’ve gained back all of the weight that I lost.

I will eventually feel better about myself.

I don’t feel good about myself right now.

Oops!…I Did It Again

While my self-actualization sure was the tops, we all knew it couldn’t last. And the past week has seen me fall into terrible binging habits and a lack of exercise…Can’t say that I haven’t been here before, can’t say that I won’t overcome where I am right now. All I can do is be patient with myself as I try to break off this unhealthy relationship once again – through song!

[I actually considered singing my own version of this Brittany hit, but I decided that I’d rather not lose the lovely followers that do not deserve to hear my nasally nasty gnarly singing voice. Instead, feel free to play the song while reading through my more fitting lyrics]

no no no no no

no no no no no no

–

I know I did it again

I made me believe I had overcome

Oh dang it

It is just a slip-up

But it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up

Cause to lose all of my progress

Well it’s just so typically me

Oh candy candy

–

[CHORUS]

Oops!…I did it again

I ate too much food, didn’t go to the gym

Oh candy, candy

Oops!…You think I am done

That I just want fun

I’m not the quitting type

–

You see my problem is this

I’m eating away

All of the food I can get my hands on

I cry, watching my waist

Can’t you see I’m a fool in my body shape

Cause to lose all of my progress

Well it’s just so typically me

Oh candy candy

–

[CHORUS]

Oops!…I did it again

I ate too much food, didn’t go to the gym

Oh candy, candy

Oops!…You think I am done

That I just want fun

I’m not the quitting type

The Bite that Launched a Thousand Calories

Sigh. I’ve done a bad thing.

Enter flashback.

Yesterday morning I was all cheers and smiles. I ate an oatmeal breakfast then had a turkey sandwich and fruit to follow up for a light lunch.

Enter trouble.

After 12:30 I didn’t get another chance to eat until 6:30. My grandparents came to visit and we were supposed to have a crab feast, but my Dad didn’t order enough for me because he thought I wouldn’t be home. There was no room at the table. I was feeling sleepy.

Enter food.

I grabbed a bag of pretzels (mistake 1, not using a bowl).

I believed that I could control myself (mistake 2, not portioning).

I tasted their salty deliciousness and could not stop myself from eating (mistake 3, snacking instead of eating dinner).

From then on I went on a tear. I ate cookies, a huge and unhealthy salad, Italian ice, and more pretzels. In large quantities.

Enter this morning.

I woke up determined not to continue this binge and to just forgive myself for yesterday’s transgressions. I even had a different blog topic for today about exercise…But instead, I accepted the invite to my pity party and wallowed in self doubt, loneliness, and a lack of self confidence, all with my trusty sidekick junk food by my side.

I know that I should just get back on track, but it is so difficult to forgive myself. To forget that I’ve hurt myself this badly. I know that I planned to love myself, but how can I love myself when I’m pushing down feelings of anger, frustration, and hatred at the same time.

Enter frustration.

For now, I’m going to try getting back on track.

For now, I’m going to continue with my exercise plan.

For now, I’m going to use this blog to avoid snacking temptation.

For the future, I’m going to conquer my binging problems, love myself, and consistently exercise and eat well.

Sigh.

Pizza with a Side of Epiphanies

I haven’t had a great time these last couple of days. I’ve stressed over money, had intensely emotional fights with my brother, and been stuck in so much traffic that I’m beginning to wonder if others are in danger just from driving on the road with me. Needless to say, my eating habits haven’t been so stellar. In fact, they’ve been downright out of control.

I’ve been staying active a bit more than usual, which is a blessing since my diet would make a sumo wrestler cringe, and after bowling this morning, I decided to go out for lunch. I stopped by Firehouse Subs to enjoy a deliciously meaty sandwich, and felt so satisfied and full. While licking my fingers, I pondered, “Why would I ever need to snack? If I can just feel this way after my meals all the time, getting healthy will be a breeze!”

Now I know what you’re saying. Why are you talking about subs with the word “pizza” in your title?

For those sad folks who saw this coming, it’s because after my fantastical filling lunch, I stuffed myself with two cold, mediocre, heartburn inducing pieces of pizza. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I did this. What’s worse, I can’t figure out why, after the first unsatisfying slice, I ate a second!

I was willing to overlook this stupid pitfall, when I was hit by something other than heartburn, an epiphany.

If I saw anyone that I cared about, or even a stranger on the street for that matter, doing what I just did, I would stop them faster than you can say “pepperoni”. I would tell them, “You’re better than that. You should care about yourself more than that. You shouldn’t treat your body like that.” I would shake them until they truly understood, “You’re worth so much more than that pizza. You deserve to find happiness from life, not food. You are a special person deserving of your own love!”

If I would say that so readily to a stranger, it’s a bit sad that I’ve struggled to say it to myself.

But not anymore.

I love myself and deserve to have my body treated with respect and reverence.

And you all should feel the same.

Starting Anew

I love Mondays. I love the chance to begin a new week with the promise of the future looming ahead. No matter what happens in the past, the future is yours to command. And where better to begin that new and beautiful life than on the first day of the week where the past is wiped away and there is only the future to look forward to?

I haven’t been doing a great job of eating well and exercising lately. I’ve felt lazy, unproductive, and slightly disappointed in myself. But today is the first day of the week (as I’m writing this) and I am so excited to put these past failures behind me. I know I have a tendency to say this as each week, each holiday, each eventful moment that comes around. And even if I fall off this new path I’ve created for myself, I will never stop looking forward to what I can achieve in the future.

What Happens On Vacation Stays On Vacation

The Great Smokey Mountains

4 days ago I embarked on a 9 hour car ride to my 2nd favorite state, Tennessee. There, my boyfriend and I visited his grandparents as we trekked through the Smokey Mountains, explored the Pigeon Forge area, and gorged ourselves on true Southern cooking and Cracker Barrel delicacies. I had been looking forward to this trip for ages, and am so glad that I could reconnect with MamMaw, PapPaw, and the blue jays that frequent their front porch.

But, with these wonderful memories of family fun comes the nagging reality of disappointment. Yes, I did eat macaroni with the butteriest biscuits I’ve ever consumed. Sure, my pasta was brimming with cheese and creamy sauces. And of course my BBQ was every bit as fatty and delicious as it should be. While I’m trying to become healthier, I don’t want to limit myself to strictly rabbit food. Heck, even rabbits would like a banana pudding milkshake every once in a while.

So instead of being disappointed in my eating choices now that I’m back home (and thinking without a buttery fog surrounding my brain) and away from the tempting excuse of vaccation, I’m going to own up to my actions.

I ate poorly.

I did not make good food choices.

I recognized this while I was chowing down on fried chicken.

But I’m still here and still ready to change in moderation. If I eat like this once or twice a summer, that is quite alright with me.

I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m trying to justify my actions, but I also hope it does sound that way. I need to be okay with myself and that means accepting my actions and not tearing myself down when I do something a little counterproductive.