Boo on Me

I cannot even imagine being any more frustrated or upset or angry with myself.

I don’t want to get back on track because I’m feeling bummed out and hungry.

I need new clothes but don’t want to buy them for this extra weight I found.

The winter time always catches me depressed and craving carbohydrates.

I have a wedding coming up this summer that I have to slim down for.

Tomorrow I have to wear my bathing suit to the polar bear plunge.

I’ve been avoiding looking at my weight gain in the mirror.

I want to exercise but I am so sick of having to start over.

Every day I say it’s a fresh start, but then I see donuts.

I wish my family was a better healthy influence.

I’ve gained back all of the weight that I lost.

I will eventually feel better about myself.

I don’t feel good about myself right now.

disappointed

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Weight Loss Embarassement

I don’t tell people that I’m trying to lose weight.

I say that my stomach hurts to explain away saying no to cake. I tell people that I’m meeting friends at the gym to ensure that I couldn’t break my plans with the elliptical. And I pay no attention to how my clothes fit so that people don’t know how often I think of my body.

I don’t like drawing attention to the fact that I’m trying to be healthier.

And I know exactly why:

I don’t want the embarrassment that comes with professing to be so devoted to my health, only to renege on my goals and go back to openly professing my love of brownie style cookies.

Because that’s what happens. A lot. I prove exactly how much I’d like to get and stay fit by going to the gym every day, eating exactly the right foods, and beinga model of excellence for all of those with similar goals. And then something happens that makes me slip (that unknowable force that suddenly takes away the happiness you feel when running and leaves your only source of satisfaction as entirely dependent on consuming an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s) and I’m left floundering to explain to those same people that I suddenly don’t have plans with friends at the gym and that my stomach is miraculously feeling better and do you have any extra cheese I can put on this sandwich?

It’s embarrassing.

cupcake marathon

I know that it would be good to get support from those around me, and I know that so many people would be there to cheer me on if I could only be open and honest with them, but that’s hard when I’ve rightfully come to expect failure from myself.

I Get Knocked Down, but I Reflect Again

As the year is winding down, I find myself reflecting upon everything that I’ve accomplished over the past many months.

I’ve run races, I’ve become pescetarian, I’ve started this blog, I’ve lounged on my butt, I’ve eaten healthier,  I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight, I’ve lifted weight, I’ve bought new clothes, I’ve survived major food-based holidays, I’ve ignored the gym, I’ve tried cardioboxing.

Yes, I haven’t been perfect, but I have been happy.

It may seem a little early to be tallying up all that I’ve done this year as we still have a few weeks left in December, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit down.

It’s partly a result of the winter blues, partly the end of my challenge, and partly the fact that I’m in finals mode and want to combust. That’s why I need to remind myself:

I’ve been happy.

get knocked down

Life is constantly in flux, and I’m alright with that. I may be down right now, but it’s only a matter of time before I’m doing better than ever, and with the time to make New Year’s resolutions fast approaching, I’m sensing a renewed enthusiasm for my dedication to health and an upswing in time spent at the gym.

My Story, My Weight

Throwback Thursday and time to drop some truth.

As a child I vividly remember my friend Megan ringing the doorbell to my house and asking if I’d like to go out and play. I said no, I had too much homework that I needed to finish before my parents got home. And then I grabbed a bag of cheese puffs and ate them while watching Arthur.

This is the first memory I have of my unhealthy relationship with food.

All throughout middle school I never worried about nutrition or exercise. I thought that the only people that were concerned with ellipticals were old people. I did a few sports, I ate what my parents put in front of me (not always the best of options), and I was generally happy with who I was. At one point I remember weighing myself and seeing the number “125”. I didn’t know what it meant exactly, but it concerned me and I vowed that if I could just stay at 125 for the rest of my life and stop growing, I would be content. Didn’t happen.

Then, towards 8th grade I began walking every day. Hour long walks around the neighborhood with some bounces on a mini trampoline that I just had to have. Those two forms of exercise and my decision to eat healthier and almost exclusively order grilled chicken at restaurants lead to me feeling happy and healthy with my body. I kept this up for nearly a year before I let my grandmother’s death derail my healthy lifestyle.

In high school I didn’t have many friends, but I did have TV dinners that I would eat as snacks and peanut butter that I learned tasted even better straight from the jar. I was still aware of my weight and my lack of exercise, and as I became aware of my emotions I began to binge late at night. Junior year of high school I got a boyfriend which first lead me to be quite concerned over my body image. Turns out he was a truly good person and loved me no matter what I looked like, so we put on a few pounds together.

College saw me drop to my lowest ever weight of 138. I was exercising regularly, eating quite well, and loving how I felt in my body. But two health concerns, a student life, and the worry of making friends later, I found myself at my highest ever ever ever weight of 177 pounds. After a year of hard work, shamelessly using my friends as exercise buddies, and my long and heartfelt conversations with that same boyfriend, I whittled my weight down to my high school usual of 155.

And now I’m going to prove to myself that I can return to the same girl that I was freshman year who weighted 138 pounds and was in control of her life.

After this Fall into Fitness Challenge, I will be strong again.

That’s all I remember and all you need to know about my weight loss story. What does your story entail?

Skinny Katy is on the attack

Skinny Katy is on the attack

Oops!…I Did It Again

While my self-actualization sure was the tops, we all knew it couldn’t last. And the past week has seen me fall into terrible binging habits and a lack of exercise…Can’t say that I haven’t been here before, can’t say that I won’t overcome where I am right now. All I can do is be patient with myself as I try to break off this unhealthy relationship once again – through song!

[I actually considered singing my own version of this Brittany hit, but I decided that I’d rather not lose the lovely followers that do not deserve to hear my nasally nasty gnarly singing voice. Instead, feel free to play the song while reading through my more fitting lyrics]

no no no no no

no no no no no no

I know I did it again

I made me believe I had overcome

Oh dang it

It is just a slip-up

But it doesn’t mean that I’m giving up

Cause to lose all of my progress

Well it’s just so typically me

Oh candy candy

[CHORUS]

Oops!…I did it again

I ate too much food, didn’t go to the gym

Oh candy, candy

Oops!…You think I am done

That I just want fun

I’m not the quitting type

You see my problem is this

I’m eating away

All of the food I can get my hands on

I cry, watching my waist

Can’t you see I’m a fool in my body shape

Cause to lose all of my progress

Well it’s just so typically me

Oh candy candy

[CHORUS]

Oops!…I did it again

I ate too much food, didn’t go to the gym

Oh candy, candy

Oops!…You think I am done

That I just want fun

I’m not the quitting type

An Unexpected Progress

netdiaryAbout a year ago, in the throngs of my highest-weight-ever-and-nonstop-eating-while-ignoring-that-such-thing-as-a-gym-exists phase, I downloaded a nutrition tracker app to help keep me accountable of what foods I was eating. The one I chose is called MyNetDiary. While it was a good tool for tracking my progress, I found it to be a little restricting that I had to constantly keep on top of what I was eating, and my eventual and inevitable frustration won in the long run, and I stopped using the app to track every meal (though I still refer to it when I need a quick nutrition summation of certain foods).

Yesterday, while enjoying my egg salad sandwich, I was hit by a whimsy of curiosity and decided to check on my handy dandy little tool what the nutrition content in such a sandwich would shape up to be. I discovered it equated to a moderate amount of calories (around 350) and a fine source of protein, but what’s more, I discovered the weight that I had last entered when I had used the app regularly.

It was 177 pounds.

Wow.

I think I blocked that out.

For most of my life I’ve hovered around 150-160 pounds. As soon as I got to 177 I actually made a huge effort to lose the weight and in a manner of a few months I was back to around 160.

help scale

Then the summer came, and with it my frequent stops for Italian Ice, delicious and buttery seafood dinners, and relaxing nights spent escaping the heat in the AC; I seemed to maintain a weight of about 165. With a renewed enthusiasm for fitness as I headed off to school, I’ve been sticking to my plan so well and have managed to get back down to the 150 mark, where I hovered for most of high school. I looked at my progress so far as having lost 10 pounds. But that’s not true. I did in fact weight 177 pounds at one point, and seeing as that weight is gone now, my total number of pounds dropped is 27. I’ve lose nearly 30 pounds!

Just because I want to block out how I came to become truly overweight/obese for the first time in my life does not mean that I should ignore the tremendous work that I’ve done in order to get back to my regularly overweight self. And with having lost 30 pounds already, dropping another 10 sounds like a walk in the park.

Let’s do this thing!

avoidance

Yes, It’s Worth It

nothing is worth it

Things have been going pretty darn good for me lately. Pretty darn fantastical wonderful stupendical, in fact.

These past few weeks have seen me exercising like a lunatic, falling in love with the gym all over again, and finding any excuse to get outside and move my body (no matter how embarrassing I may look). And all of my little fat cells absolutely hate me for it; which all my little brain cells love me for it.

Just thinking back a few months ago, I remember trying to hide my general unhappiness with being overweight and out of shape. Mostly, I would eat to make myself feel better about being overweight. Yeah, that doesn’t make sense to me either….though it worked fairly well. While I was eating I felt good. While I was eating I could forget about wherever my worries lay. While I was eating I was content.

And then after the eating I was anxious and worried and disappointed and upset and emotional and disappointed and defeated and sad and angry and disappointed. Which would make me eat more. But eventually everybody reaches their food limit, and there were times when I literally could not continue eating. So then what? Well, then I was stuck with those unhappy thoughts and no way of comforting myself. Cue public service announcement on the dangers of relying on chocolate and peanut butter to solve your problems.

But now that I’ve seen the brilliant and divine light of exercise and healthy eating, I’ve come to a stunning realization.

Eating keeps you happy some of the time; fitness keeps you happy all of the time.

Even when I’m not running around at the gym and shoving apples into my mouth, I find myself in a better mood. When walking around campus, I notice that I’m smiling with confidence. I go home at night and instead of wallowing in self-pity, I do a few jumping jacks and call up a friend. Eating better and exercising has enriched almost every aspect of my life (though maybe not the aspect that involves free time).

While there are days that I struggle and times where I know it’d be so much easier to call up Papa Johns and order myself a whole pizza with mushrooms and pineapple, on most every day, I am thrilled to be alive and actively participating in my life.

It was a tough transition. It is still hard. But it is and will always be oh so worth it.long road worth it