All You Need To Do


Cat Cardio

Some days, I may not make it to the gym. Other times, I’ll find myself too worn out to go for a jog. And on occasion, I’ve been known to avoid the workout DVDs in favor of good book.┬áBut no matter my “official” exercise for the day, one form of activity I can always rely on is my cat cardio.

The term, “cat cardio” may not be familiar to some, though the process itself has been around since the dawn of time and was most likely popularized by the ancient Egyptians, those so devoted to physical fitness and felines that they resurrected huge monuments to honor those delightful creatures while getting in their strength training for both this life and the afterlife. In modern times, in order to complete an invigorating session of cat cardio, the participant must have:

  • A cat
  • A toy/string/ball of paper/pouch of cat nip/tantalizing finger/flashlight/toe

You can get an amazing workout with half the equipment needed for conventional forms of exercise!

[Cat food, vet bills, constant animal smell, fur balls, scratched furniture, shedded hair, carrying crate of doom, pooper scooper with accompanying poop sold separately]

IMG_2213Simply place the toy/string/ball of paper/pouch of cat nip/tantalizing finger/flashlight/toe within reach of the cat, and watch the instinctual progression of events take place. The cat will find itself compelled to play/grab/bat/go bonkers/nibble/chase/chomp, at which point the participant will find themself compelled to throw/yank/toss/hide/move/create dizzying patterns/dance a jig until the cat is sufficiently entertained and the exerciser’s heart beat can be heard over the ensuing purring.

Then, repeat.

And do not stop under penalty of scratches, the silent treatment, and smelly and unburried bowl movements.

If you anger the cat, you will never survive to recommit yourself to those workout DVDs you had foolishly forsaken.

Your only option is to continually participate in this cat cardio session constructed by Hates and perfected in the underworld where those who committed sins most foul (by preferring dogs) are forced to think of new cat cardio routines involving bicep curls and brushes. You’ll have to learn to shower while throwing their toy; it’ll be required that you study for classes while crumpling your former Ancient Medieval Rhetoric notes into tiny balls for the beautiful devil to bat around; you’ll even have to accustom yourself to writing blog posts while sporadically moving your hands and feet in order for the cat to remain actively engaged.

The results are permanent, but unfortunately, the activity is endless.