I’m hurting and it’s not the good ache achieved after an hour spent running. This is the pain that only hurtful words and a lack of support can cause.
Over the weekend I was told by a loved one that:
- They didn’t like that I fall asleep so early.
- They didn’t like that I’ve become pescetarian.
- They didn’t like that I was becoming so health and fitness conscious.
I feel crushed. I’ve never had a great support system and there are many people in my life who don’t think me capable of achieving my goals or who don’t think I’m making the right decision. And it’s a crushing feeling that I’ve become accustomed to. However, how do you adapt when a personal pillar of support joins the others standing opposed to not just my choices, but myself? Because all of those “faults” define who I am.
- I fall asleep early because I’m a sleepy person and simply can’t help myself. That doesn’t mean that I’m not active and engaged the rest of the day. Why am I even bothered by this?
- I am a pescetarian because I care about animals and their happiness. That doesn’t mean that I am trying to force my view onto others.
- I have taken control of my health because I am miserable if I’m not caring for my body. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to drop other things from my life or change who I am.
They were the one who was suppose to be different. And now I’m once more left wondering what is so inherently wrong with me that I can’t seem to garner support for anything that I try to do in life.
What happens when I want to visit my friend in Israel over the summer? Where will my friends be when I make my post-graduation decision? Why can’t I still be loved when I lightly snooze while watching football?
After a terrible day of eating a lot of absolute crap (though I won’t count it as a binge because I was in constant control), I realized that while this sucks majorly and makes my heart feel heavy, it shouldn’t be a reason to stop feeling good about myself and my accomplishments. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but that doesn’t mean that my opinions and feelings are of lesser importance than theirs. I have worked so darn hard to feel happy with my level of fitness and comfortable with my body, and I’m not going to let that feeling falter just because I have another hater.
I’m going to do what I want.
I’m going to be the healthiest me I can be.
I’m going to stop pitying myself and at least get a half hour in on the elliptical today.